Decode Her

One recent weekend on Telegraph Avenue, near the University of California at Berkeley, I threaded my way past white people in dreadlocks selling macrame and a man doing crunches on the sidewalk. And I made a point of not looking anybody in the face. Call it self-defense.

Or maybe it was dereliction of duty, because looking at faces was the reason I had come to California.

Facial expressions are the universal language of the human soul. Understanding what they mean can determine whether you land the job, close the deal, make friends, win fights, talk her into dinner at your place, charm her pants off, charm her parents, live surrounded by people you love -- or die alone listening to an $8-an-hour orderly crack rude jokes outside the door. But it had lately dawned on me that in my own life, looking at faces was something I generally avoided.

So now I would take faces, well, head-on. I'd signed up for a weeklong course in the Facial Action Coding System, or FACS, which breaks down human facial expressions into a series of muscle movements called action units, or AUs. The teacher, psychologist Erika Rosenberg, Ph.D., had warned me that she wouldn't be teaching us how to read emotions. Instead, we would be going back to basics, charting the bulges, knots, furrows, wrinkles, stretching, bagging, and pouching of facial flesh -- the moving parts of human emotion. Rosenberg added, "Your life is going to change as a result of learning FACS. You will never look at people the same way again."

And I figured I needed to change, for reasons I blamed partly on harried modern life: Putting on a bland and inoffensive airport face is how we go from point A to point B (or from Telegraph Avenue to the hotel) with the least possible hassle. But we end up avoiding other people's facial expressions for roughly the same reason -- and the result is that most of us are dismal at reading faces. On a standard test we typically mistake half of the facial expressions we see, transposing basic emotions like fear and surprise, or calling it anger when it's really disgust. Even CIA polygraphists do no better than guesswork at the trickier business of using facial expressions to separate straight talk from lies.

Doctors and nurses do worse than family members at recognizing pain in a patient's face. In the workplace, bosses often seem oblivious to all facial expressions. Imagine being a zookeeper and not understanding that when the leopard pricks up its ears and bends them back, it's thinking about having you for dinner. Small wonder that romantic partners have so much trouble figuring each other out.

Words are part of the problem. They distract us from what faces would tell us if we paid attention. So your girlfriend says, "I'm fine," and you say, "Okay, cool," without noticing the irritated little tightening at one corner of her mouth. Or you fail to pick up the disappointed arch of her eyebrows when she unwraps her birthday present. In one lie-detection study, patients whose cerebral damage made them less attentive to speech became better at reading facial expressions. They picked out the liars 73 percent of the time -- an astonishing accuracy rate. Shutting off the words helped them focus on what faces revealed.

And the solution to this word problem? Given the alternatives (have a stroke or remain oblivious), I was hoping a course in facial expressions might be a better way.

The next morning, 15 fellow face watchers and I assembled around a horseshoe of tables with our laptops open in front of us. Rosenberg soon had us scrunching up our noses in pig-snout disgust (that's an AU 9), or puckering up like kids making kissy-face for the camera (that's an AU 18). We used hand mirrors to see if we'd gotten it right, and it was a little unsettling to look up now and then and see the people around me randomly expressing what seemed like anger or contempt or delight at their own reflections.

Improve Your Sex Life with One Kiss

(Part 1) -Overview

Perhaps you've been somebody's best kiss. you won her over and made her swoon. You've probably also had your share of makeout disasters—either you didn't put in the effort, or your mouth tasted like beer. The difference between the two? Chemistry—both literal and figurative. "A whole host of parameters converge at the moment your lips come together," says Gordon Gallup, Ph. D., a psychologist at the University at Albany. "We subconsciously decipher this information in terms of the health and compatibility of the other person. Kissing has a lot of power—it can either promote or negate the continuation of that relationship."

If you don't respect this power, your subpar canoodling around the campfire can earn you an unequivocal kiss-off from her. In Gallup's 2007 study of 1,041 college students, 66 percent of the women reported being so turned off by kisses that their interest in the men evaporated. On the other hand, being a great kisser—mastering those lingering, luxuriant lip-locks that she loves but that men tend to shun—can dramatically boost the frequency and quality of your bedroom action, studies suggest.

Clearly, you can't afford to take chances. So spend the summer honing this vital mating skill, whether you're targeting the ruby reds of a promising vacation fling or sidling up to your long-term mate. What follows is our guide to the many things a little lip can do.

(Part2) - Make Her Yours

When she's sizing up your potential as a suitable and genetically compatible mate, her attention will linger on your mouth. The University at Albany study showed that the appearance of a man's teeth helps determine his kissability. Women in the study were also more likely than men to factor in chemical cues—his breath, for example, and the taste of his mouth. Gallup argues that this is because kissing provides information about a person's health and hormonal status, because the sebaceous glands (which are densely concentrated on the face) are regulated by sex hormones.

Lip Service
Don't try to telegraph your genetic suitability right away. Instead, wait until the second or third date. "I love it when the tension builds up so much that it feels like we've been waiting ages for the kiss, and then we can't stop for hours," says Laura, 29, a brand manager in New York. "If you kiss on the first date, it's usually a boring peck and there's no tension behind it. The best ones are worth waiting for."

When it is go time, a little preparedness will pay off. Consider packing one of the new single-use micro-toothbrushes, such as the Colgate Wisp. It has a liquid-filled "breath bead" and doesn't require water to rinse ($2.50 for a pack of four,colgate.com). Duck into the restroom after dinner to use it. Then take the initiative. "If a man is coming off as self-assured, this will make him appear more attractive at the moment of the kiss," says Kandi Walker, Ph. D., an interpersonal communication expert at the University of Louisville. Most important, start off easy. "Kiss lightly around her mouth, on her cheeks, or on her neck—that's a very sensual thing to do," says Andrea Demirjian, who interviewed 250 women and men for her bookKissing: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About One of Life's Sweetest Pleasures. "Then when you reach her mouth, kiss her very softly on the lips—no insert-tongue-here kisses. Going slowly is sure to entice her."

(Part3) - Keep Her Happy and Enthusiastic

Once she's yours, going face-to-face on a regular basis is vital for the health of a long-term union. "The frequency of a couple's kissing has implications about issues like abandonment, divorce, and infidelity," Gallup says. "If you kiss her often, it telegraphs your commitment."

But according to the women surveyed, men aren't delivering the goods as often as they should. Gallup's study found that men use kissing primarily as a means to an end—to advance sexual relations. Yet women mainly use kissing as a way to monitor the status of the relationship, and especially a partner's commitment level.

Lip Service
"Make an effort to kiss her even when sex isn't in the cards," suggests Gallup. "That way there's an affectionate and a sexual component to kissing." After sex, he says, is another key time: Women usually initiate post-romp kissing, the study showed. And in the long run, the more persistent you are with the kisses, the more sex you'll have. "Male saliva has trace amounts of testosterone—and testosterone is an aphrodisiac," Gallup says. "So passing saliva during open-mouth kissing over extended periods might help raise her testosterone levels and affect her sex drive."

(Part 4) - Reduce Her Stress

Kissing can help melt tension away. When researchers from Lafayette College studied couples who either kissed, held hands, or talked for 15 minutes, they found that the kissers had the lowest blood levels of cortisol, a hormone that contributes to feelings of stress and anxiety. Additionally, there was a rise in oxytocin—the "cuddle drug" associated with attachment and the sense of calm and security we feel in relationships—in the men.

Lip Service
To make sure your partner harnesses the same positive effects from a makeout session as you do, jack up the romance. "The setting of a kiss can affect how women perceive it," says Walker. In fact, in the Lafayette College study, women's oxytocin levelsdecreasedduring kissing when the environment was clinical. When the researchers switched to a more attractive environment, the women reported feeling greater intimacy with their partner.

(Part 5) - Send Problems Packing

When things go awry in a relationship, kissing can be your cavalry. A study published in theAmerican Journal of Family Therapyshowed that kissing her on the lips can make resolving conflict easier. "It's much more powerful than we realize," says Gallup.

Lip Service
Punctuate your impassioned mea culpa with kisses elsewhere on her face, as well as on her hands, neck, and stomach. When Princeton University psychologist Michael Graziano, Ph. D., conducted research on our defensive flinching and blocking mechanisms, these areas proved to be the most heavily defended parts of our bodies and the most erotic to kiss. A lot of mating behavior, he argues, is an exaggerated way to show the status of your defensive radar.

"By allowing her partner's teeth near her throat, she is in effect communicating that she's turning her radar down, and that she's doing it intentionally for him," Graziano says. "That is a very encouraging message."

He adds, "There's nothing more vulnerable and more erotic than kissing someone's eyelid—you have to really trust someone to let them kiss your eye."

7 Characteristics Women Look for in a Man

Whenever my single friends get the urge to mingle, flirt, and maybe more, we hit the big, noisy bars, where we know we'll find dozens of men with an agenda similar to ours. But it's not that easy. We end up ordering cocktails and standing around, scanning a sea of suits. It's not that we're shy, we're just waiting to spot a cutie who we hope will be a little different—a little better—than the rest.

What are we looking for? Not what you might think. Yeah, good hair and an easy smile are eye-catching, but they're too common to pique our curiosity. Here's a list of the more rare characteristics that won't just turn our heads—they'll also get our butts moving across the room to say hello.

(Part 1) - Bend Fashion to Your Will

The strategy: Demonstrate you're a leader, not a lemming. Add an irreverent, original element to your outfit that hints (not screams) that you don't break the rules, you make them.

How to pull it off: Keep 90 percent of your look appropriate to the occasion—you're fashionably astute, after all. Then throw on something ballsy. Suede New Balances with a designer suit (no tie) for an event at a swank lounge; a classic tweed jacket over a retro T-shirt for a dinner party; plaid wool pants with a hooded sweatshirt and Chuck T's for a concert.

What she'll think: You have the confidence to do things your way, and the savvy to do them well. You're witty, hip, and a bit of a troublemaker. (That's hot.)

What she'll say: "Nice pants."

(Part 2) - Hang with Slobs

The strategy: Look appealing by surrounding yourself with your loudest, sloppiest friends—guys who emit female repellent. This can make you look, sound, and smell like Prince Charming. On this night, your goal is to attract women, not bond with the boys.

How to pull it off: Sip while they chug, talk while they scream, smile sanely when they're laughing so hard Sam Adams is streaming out of their noses. And be the one to deal politely with the waitress and bartender.

What she'll think: You're not swayed by peer pressure, and you're in control enough to be a gentleman on a boys' night out. Plus, her maternal instincts will kick in, making her want to rescue you from those animals.

What she'll say: "Always so well behaved?"

(part 3) - Read, Watch, Listen

The strategy: Know something about everything, so you'll have something to talk about. Party talk ping-pongs between politics, film, music, and celebrities, so the more you've seen, heard, and read, the more seductive your banter will be. It takes just one hit—"I love Fountains of Wayne!"—and she'll want to spend more time with you.

How to pull it off:It's not often that a man who readsThe Economistand owns a Fellini box set ends up with a girl at each elbow. We like a guy who's seen last night'sDaily Show, readsRadar, and knows which blogs deliver the best dirt. Do a quick late-breaking-news-and-gossip check before heading out for the night and then drop what you know when a beautiful woman can overhear it. (And it's okay to readThe Economist; that strategy works wonders with educated Euro babes.)

What she'll think:Finally, here's a guy who can tell her something she doesn't already know, something she'll want to repeat to her friends in the morning.

What she'll say: "I'm sorry, did you just say that Katie is having Tom's baby?"

(Part 4) - Barely Notice the Überbabe

The strategy: Remain calm when a decked-out bombshell strolls by and you'll be sending the message that you're too smart to be wowed by a Wonderbra and red lipstick.

How to pull it off: We don't blame you for looking. But it makes us cringe when one male head after another swivels in her direction. What we love to see is a man who raises his eyes to see what the commotion is about, nonchalantly registers the hottie, then doesn't seem to give her another thought.

What she'll think:You've had too much experience with high-maintenance women to become excited by yet another would-be model. Or, even better, you prefer women who look as if they have more interesting things to do than primp in front of a mirror.

What she'll say:"I hope you're not gay."

(Part 5) - Go Deep

The strategy:Appear thoughtful by focusing intently on something unobtrusive.

How to pull it off:Wander away from the crowd, take in the scene, then find a painting, book, view out a window, whatever—not the jukebox—and pore over the details. You're oblivious to the commotion.

What she'll think:You're sensitive and smart and, if you furrow your brow, intense. Women love intense. It's very mysterious, very sexy, very Benicio Del Toro. She'll want to plumb the depths of your brooding mind.

What she'll say:"What's so fascinating?"

(Part 6) - Give Someone a Hand

The strategy:Loud, crowded places foster an "every man for himself" attitude. To rise above it, go out of your way to be helpful.

How to pull it off:Help a girl who's trying to reach over people to get her drink from the bartender. Give your place in the unisex bathroom line to an anxious-looking woman.

What she'll think:You're so thoughtful . . . Could such a great guy still be single?

What she'll say:"So chivalry isn't dead."

(Part 7)- Get Some Air

The strategy:Establish a thoughtful-loner vibe, and facilitate conversation.

How to pull it off:Stepping out for a cell call or smoke is off-putting, not alluring. Going out for some air is romantic. Make like Bogart, sans cigarette, and lean against the wall, hands in your pockets, gazing into the middle distance. If a conversation starts, great. If not, women will notice you as an individual before you rejoin the faceless mob.

What she'll think:We're out here; everyone else is in there. Maybe it was meant to be.

What she'll say:"Hey there."

16 Ways to Save Your Relationship

1. After your next screaming match, right before the makeup sex, don't bother with the "I love you" cliché. Just tell her, "You know, you're the only person I'd ever tolerate talking to me like that. You're that amazing."

2. No screaming matches lately? Have one, fast. If she's screaming at you, she still gives a damn. Silence from a woman means something has died. (Or will die. Tonight. In his sleep.)

3. Drop this bomb: "You remember the time we [insert personal-best sex saga here]? I bet we could do even better."

4. Thinking about leaving her? Think about this first: No woman is perfect. The next one you pick up could indeed be cooler, hornier, and wealthier. But you'll soon grow tired of her crap, too.

5. Maul her for 10 seconds when she least expects it. A mini-maul here, a mini-maul there. Next thing you know, you'll have a strip-maul.

6. All the stuff you'd want after a breakup—nights on the town, drop-of-a-hat vacations, those long-put-off season tickets—you can enjoy right now. With a built-in date. So pick something fun and do it.

7. Learn a new sport together—like golf or fencing—that encourages you to admire each other's form.

8. As you ask your buddy for counsel on your girl's dropping temperature and increasing distance, did it ever occur to you to ask her?

9. Go Gomez Addams on her. Speak Spanish. Dance the Mamushka. Kiss her from her wrist to her armpit. Blow up a train set together. Cara mia!

10. Commit an unsolicited act of cleanliness.

11. This weekend, take her to the grocery store to buy ingredients for a great dinner. Also pick up food specifically earmarked as body paint.

12. You're both 10 excess pounds away from feeling good about yourselves again. Drop 'em together. It'll be you and her against the world, just like old times.

13. You haven't offered up a late-night postcoital confession in a very long time. Surprise her.

14. Reinstate one courtesy toward her that's been lost since your courtship: opening the car door for her, bringing her flowers, holding in your gas.

15. Organize a cheesy diamond-commercial moment—like reproposing to her at Trafalgar Square in front of family. Overwrought? Yeah, but do the math: jewelry + effort + pigeons + her parents = months of rough sex.

16. Tried everything on this list and she's still unresponsive? It's time to smile, hold her hand, and offer her these five risky words: "Now it's up to you."

The World's Best Sex Tips (Part 7)-Test-Drive a Hot Foreign Import

The least-pleasing position for women—missionary—is still the go-to move for 48 percent of American men and 42 percent of men worldwide. You can do better. These sex positions span the earth, and might just make it move.

Spain: The Downward Dog

Ask her to rest her chest on the bed while lifting her rear in the air. From your knees, enter her from behind. Thrust downward slightly and the bottom of your penis will massage her vaginal wall where her G-spot is located.

"This position lengthens her vaginal wall," says Pedro Otero, a sexologist in Spain, "which tightens her and makes you feel bigger."

India: The Fusion

Sit on the bed or floor with your legs extended out in front of you. Lean back about 15 degrees, supporting yourself with your arms. Ask her to sit facing you, and help her lower herself on your penis while she leans back and supports her body with her arms behind her. Her knees should be bent and near your shoulders.

"This is one of the few positions in which the union of sexual organs is visible for both partners," says Mahinder Watsa, M.D., a sex therapist in India. "That translates into an increase in sexual excitement."

Brazil: The Amazon

Lie on your back with your knees to your chest. Ask her to squat on your erection, facing you, one foot on each side of your abdomen and her thighs resting on yours. Wrap your legs around her waist and hold hands to help her balance.

"This is perfect for women who aren't strong enough to be on top for a long time," says Laura Muller, a sex advisor in Brazil and the author of 500 Questions on Sex. "It lets her control penetration and leaves one of your hands free to caress her clitoris."

Hungary: The Lazy Lady

In a spooning position (you're on the outside, holding yourself up by your elbow), ask her to raise her top knee; then enter her from behind. The angle of penetration will stimulate her G-spot while your hand plays gently with her clitoris.

"Your chest will be hugging her back," says Beregszászi, "so you can match your breathing and rhythm, and thus be lulled into a very gentle, intimate togetherness." And what woman could say no to that?

The World's Best Sex Tips (Part 6)-Last Longer in Bed

"There's a Hungarian proverb that says, 'Do not paint the devil on the wall, for it will appear,' " says Agnes Beregszászi, a sex columnist in Hungary. Translation: The area of the brain responsible for triggering orgasm is engaged whether you're trying to have one or halt one.

The more attention you pay to your orgasm, the more likely it is to arrive. So concentrate on gauging your partner's response to each move instead—did she "oooh" or "ehh"?—until you find her sweet spot.

"Good sex is like driving to a faraway city," says Beregszászi. "You know your destination, but you need to concentrate on the road ahead of you—turn left here, turn right there. If you focus on what's happening now—her silky thighs on your hips, say—you can diffuse your pleasure throughout your whole body."

Oh, and she'll love it: "When my boyfriend slows down, I feel every bit of him," says Petra, a 30-year-old receptionist in Belgium. "It helps me focus on the sensation, and really puts me over the top when he begins to speed up again."

The World's Best Sex Tips (Part 5)- Awaken All Her Senses

Nearly 30 percent of the men we surveyed wish they were better—and quicker—at seducing women. Here's the secret: Because arousal has a cumulative effect, try to engage at least three of her senses at a time. As Marta, a 27-year-old Italian lawyer told us, "It takes time and lots of ingredients—smells, tastes, sounds—to heat us up."

The next time you're near a mirror, pull her close and let her have the full view as you kiss her neck and caress her body, suggests Sonia Parreira Duque, a clinical psychologist in Lisbon. "Or play her favorite record, spritz her favorite fragrance around the bedroom, and leave some small pieces of fruit and chocolate beside the bed."

One no-fail move: Give her the spa treatment. "Choose a fragrant shampoo and swirl your fingertips around her scalp with the warm, sudsy water," says Spurr. "The massage and fragrance will help her relax, unleashing oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that promotes emotional bonding." Next step: physical bonding

The World's Best Sex Tips (Part 4)-Seduce Her Early and Often

Foreplay is like an investment. Start early—way before her clothes come off—and you'll reap greater rewards. "The longer we wait, the better our orgasm," says Spurr.

Begin your wooing when she's unattainable—you're both at work; she's stuck in traffic; her father just asked you to pass the salt. "It could be a sexy e-mail or a voice mail or just a smile," says Birgit Ehrenberg, a sex columnist in Germany. "The important thing is that you're building the tension."

Once you're together, pay attention to the details. "Instead of making a beeline for her breasts, try tugging on her hair while you kiss her, exhaling near her ear, or just gently kissing her eyelids," says Caroline Hurry, a sex writer in South Africa. "For women, a combination of boldness and tenderness is crucial."