You know how public pools post lists of unacceptable behavior? Don't run, don't dive, don't vomit a New York strip steak and a bottle of cabernet franc into our brand-new filtration system. Be assured that this is the last time I will ever liken my vagina to a public pool, but I've always thought how great it would be to post something similar in my own bedroom.
Look, we love that you love having sex with us, and we love having sex with you, too. But sometimes you do things that we don't like. Weird things. Things that you think are going to make us groan with gratitude and pleasure but really make us want to roll over and turn on the TV.
Luckily, these mistakes generally result not from lack of skill but from wrong information. You can easily unlearn them. Remember: I probably know what I like better than you do.
And if I had a bedroom sign, this is how it might read.
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